Umm.. so I know I’ve never talked about this on here before. It’s been a very conscientious decision because.. well.. it’s terribly personal to me. But as with every major life change, accountability is key and talking things out helps tremendously. I know this from past experience. So here it is: I’m trying to lose weight. Whew! What a huge revelation! A weight has been lifted! I kid, I kid. But in all seriousness this is a huge part of me and has been for as long as I can remember. As I’m sure all of you can relate, the holidays were NOT good to the waistline. They were great in every other aspect: family, friends, gifts, giving, relaxation, and the food.. can we just take a moment to remember all that delicious holiday food? Ok, the moment is over, the holidays are over, and so is the time where I get to eat everything that gets put in front of me. In an effort to become more accountable, I think I’m going to write about this journey here if you all don’t mind. Who knows.. maybe I can help someone else who is going through the same struggles I am. That’d be pretty great, I guess. So, today is my first day back on plan and I checked in with my coach this morning. I think I’ll just re-post the email for now.. Maybe I’ll delve more into it later.
First off, I want to thank you for the email and voice message of encouragement. Honestly, the holidays were very hard for me (as I’m sure you gathered by my lack of response). I wasn’t on plan really at all and honestly, after the four weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I couldn’t believe how much what I ate affected my body. I mean, I know what good food does and how it makes you feel. Of course I know. Perhaps I just forgot? Maybe I just was enjoying my time not thinking about everything that went in my mouth and just having quality time with family? Maybe I just wanted to take the holidays and not stress about weight? I don’t know. What I DO know, is that if I’m not in the mind frame of wanting to actively lose weight, it’s never gonna happen. And I’m just going to frustrate myself trying. Weight loss takes tremendous willpower and sometimes, sadly, I just don’t have that. I came to a point, just before Christmas where I was very frustrated with myself and how I’d let myself slowly creep back into old habits. Over the holidays I only gained 8 pounds but it’s mind-blowing how 8 pounds feels on a body. I was starting to not like the way my clothes fit like they did before. I didn’t like the way I was looking in the mirror like I had just 4 weeks before. I was having occasional heart burn and not sleeping as well. Not only that, but I was very stressed emotionally about the weight gain. Every time I get to a milestone (usually the 10 pound mark) I tell myself ‘I’ll never weigh that again’. Well, over the holidays I got back up over one of those milestones and sort of broke down. It scared me to see that number. Actually, on one hand it scared me. On the other hand, I was relieved that I was having the feelings of anxiety that I was. I know that sounds weird, but my biggest fear from loosing so much weight is allowing myself to gain it back. It’s happened to me before and it’s happened to countless people I know and love. So the fact that I was scared after gaining 8 pounds made me realize that no matter if I gain a few pounds during the holidays, I’m never letting myself get back to where I was three years ago. I am a different person now. I’m happy! I like myself and who I’ve become. Not only with the weight loss, but also as a friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend, and co-worker. I’m sweeter. I love more. I work harder and have more energy. All these are things that I refuse to give up.
So, to make a short story long (!), as of today I am fully back on plan. I woke up excited to start. I remember feeling this way before I started the first time and it’s invigorating to take matters back into my own hands. This is the year I’m going to meet my goal! I have tremendous support around me (mom and dad, you, my friends, my boyfriend) and I know I will succeed. I also am trying to remember those 8 pounds. If gaining 8 pounds can make my body react that poorly, think of what losing 8 pounds will feel like! I also need to remember where I started. Three years ago today (WOW!) I was 78 pounds heavier than I am now. Sure there have been some peaks and valleys, but I’ve kept that weight off for THREE YEARS!! That’s longer than ever before. Anyway, I greatly appreciate your love and support. You are so good at giving me space when I need it, but just when I feel a little out of control, I’ll get an email or call from you and it reminds me how many people are here to help me.
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas season. Thanks again, Susie, for being you.